the klan

today i spoke to your best friend of many, many years.
curiousity tamed.

i now know that she wants you, still.
though none of us can comprehend your late night outs.
and sudden athletic craze.
but i convinced that it's alright,
you having an affair with sports.

your best friend pointed out.
and asked me out right,
if i am interested in you.
i convinced him and myself that we are just friends, and it stops there.

and i too asked, if the feeling is mutual
he thinks you're flirting a lil more than usual
however, that left us both guessing.

at least my questions are answered before 2009 ends.
that you are just a phase and test to everyone.
very attractive and charming,
but nothing more than a married man,
and a good father.

i shall now take a step back,
retreat peacefully.

wrapping it up good

2009
has been one helluva rollercoaster ride.
and of the many happenings
you're one of my joys in life :)

so thank you,
for your presence,
perseverance of my nonsense,
and for being who you are -
my dose of sunshine and happy pill.

wishing you a blessed and smashing 2010 !
from the land afar.

paralysis of the heart and mind

funny how the heart can contradict the head
on a relatively mega scale.
that, being in the same body.
let alone two people confronting each other.

scenarios get you thinking.
although, paralysing your thoughts, at the same time.
pondering upon the dos and donts.

only to ultimately discover that you're hurt,
either way.

but better you than many. right?
then it leads to the next question.
what is right, and what is wrong?

does feeling good, constitute to being right.
they all say,
it's clear cut.
there's no two-way or ifs, buts, maybes and shoulds about it.

dear you

i can't pretend,
though i'd like to hide.
i (really) like you.
i know it's wrong.
and it's not the best-est feeling in the world right now.
so, pardon me but
i'm gonna stay away now okay.

it has been a pleasure knowing you.

...

now to muster the strength to say that and leave,
is completely different off pen.

thoughts provoking

if you're happily married..
you would wanna go home and spend time with your loved ones, right?

avatar

was awesome!

that aside,
what the fuck was i thinking?

come on, self reminder:
you do NOT wanna lose your mind again after what happened 6 months ago.

***
i cant get your smell off my mind.

cakes

dinner invite tonight. declined.
pick up packaged. declined.

dinner insisted tomorrow. KIV.
why are you doing this? :(

december invites danger

two lunch invites. dinner and supper. all in one day. inexplicably attractive. married but. the part that i go - oh no!

and WHY would someone who's married ask you out at 11pm, on a weekday?

actually the question should've just ended at "out".

IKEA!

:)

work.

move.

dead.

tired.

penglipurlara

the story is..

today she blew her top. to repeat the entire fiasco can drain me out further. so let's just put it, she fuckin blew her top. pot will escalate it to him (padan muka kau!).

it was such a stressful day that i forgot what the feeling would be like when i attend meetings with brands & cacs. they are usually a fun bunch of ppl. but gara gara fiasco today, it slipped my mind UNTIL i was actually at brands & cacs' floor. walked straight into the meeting room to prep as i was gonna co-brief the session.

then mr. called me to his place, met his friend, chatted, laughed and sang. we blasted the stereo throughout the floor. i loooooveee you for that!!! all the troubles just dissapeared. good looking, clever, funny, annoying but charming.

but the minute i went up to oasis again, fun and glits seemed like a distant memory.

confession of the day: im falling for you, as callet puts it.

december oh december!

reese is absolutely edible, i swear!
(tall, dark, handsome, suave and intelligent, with speks!)

cakes is inexplicably-irresistibly inviting, and
(all of the above, minus the speks and fair)

zee is strangely, very very very strangely - gah im lost for words.
(none of the above, just is! i did mention strange, didnt i)

lieyana, cepatlah balikkk.
KERJA BANYAK GILAAA NI!

cold baked beans & toast with melted butter

hvg my dinner now and im thinking of..

.. a degree in architecture
.. or a course in interior designing
.. watching hindi films!
.. and chinese movies. well jump & mulan are showing now.

i cant wait for the keys!

combo

graduated my masters with a high distinction, alhamdulillah.

and after all that misery these few weeks,
it's finally come to an end.
will be signing the papers tomorrow.
goodbye people.

-----------------

did i tell you,
i met someone new.
hello you,
nice to meet you.

have you ever

thought that 1 day,
you'll grow up..
and when being pestered by your friends to go out..

you'd say:

sorry babe, but i really, really cant. gotta finish this up for the.. PM?

i should've listened to dada

given the turn of events and consequences,
i'd rather stay in shenzhen's freezing winter,
when we had no clothes, no food and no money,
than coming home to an unwelcoming family.

ab-so-lute-ly SICK.

every now and then

i get this inexplicable feeling. no - need. or maybe rush of leaving. taking off. like literally too, leave my job and drop everything and just leave.

don't get me wrong, i love my job. so much so it's almost unbelievable what i put myself through for it. i just.. i don't know, really.

it's so intense sometimes, it's almost uncontrollable. thanks to the internet too, i could just feel my fingers move so lightly toward pressing on the purchase now button. i mean, my passport's alive. money.. well, i'll get by. i've survived china, why wouldn't i - again, now.

could it be in the genes?
(mom's all-ways on the move, dad took off, hell, even my grandmother left her country for my handsome uniformed-claded pilot grandfather)

or the mole beneath my feet?
(that other burmese belief).

sigh.. mystery - unsolved.

politics

i deal with b-s in the office.
i come home to a migraine,
sleeping to a national crisis.

told ya my life's interesting.

selamat hari raya haji btw.

2:286

today she broke down.
she cried her heart out,
all day.

touched by your concern.

blood is thicker than water.
that my friend, is a scientific myth.

wake up, ma!

wake up, please.

a happy family does not exist.
(hang on, wait. actually the - family it self does not exist)
i'm sorry but let's not pretend & cheat ourselves for goodness sake.

"father and son will be here on the 18th. want to come?"

let me just bite my tongue and save my sins.
rather, attend to my flu now.

flustered

blood is thicker than water. so they say.
+ my throbbing headache wont go away.
let me just remind myself of al-baqarah 286.

details to be disclosed by 24th january.
let's see. let's hope. let's start seeding the faith plant.

the hunt

fell in love with the greens. my god cantik!!!

and yeah. invested in the E-MOE.
im not sure if ive been this crazy.

next

5876 finished, saturday 1030am-ish?
too many things happened in between.

you, were the in betweens.

3 days & counting

tired like fuck! and agitated.

this has to be penned down so that i remember what it feels like 3 days before completing my masters. theres like god knows how many more thousand words to write, graphics to draw, and presentation materials that has yet to start. all due this saturday. again shall i reiterate, group work (most if not all) sucks big time.

thank god for andrew. AZ, you're a champ.

today - at IRIS. i finally got to see, what you've been telling me all these while.

and in the midst of all these, im preparing the presso for DA and the No.1.
alhamdulillah they are happy with the slides, but the guys are so terrified of DA that we're gonna run through several layers of approval before this goes out.

so tak jadi lah pi MOF tmr to meet DA,
maka tak jadilah cakap kat DA abt you.
sorry, next time ya. He knows best :)

***
Q: why so serabut? like as if you're thinking of the country's problem.
A: precisely why.

london weather gets me yo!

pumpkin carvings & masquerade balls

you keep coming back, relentlessly.

trick or treat, darling?

4.0

7 days to go. i WILL nail it, insyaallah.

oh yeah. hooray for 3 fridays in a row!
holidays are sweet :)

honestly

thank GOD i love my job.

PM was saying to me today:
"bet you feel like you've nvr had more minutes in your life."

damn straight!

tolak smyg + tido, im short of being a robot.
amazing how your body can be very forgiving :)

it's that time-time-time again

to cram a week's work in a day, can be pret-ty crazy.

something that i have, and am constantly doing.
often i find myself asking myself why?
and for very obvious reasons,
its just not happening today.
guess my brain's tired.

***
weather's melancholistically grey - mey, i miss you.
looking forward to our "2010 MTC-GIS" :)

5 papers submitted

after a long week and day.
50% of 5876 is now done.
sila pengsankan diri sekarang. bye.

royale evening; personal butler

just when you thought things could not get any crazier.
royale chulan is the place to be! haha.

having said that, the function turned out well, alhamdulillah.
kudos to the entire team :)

special thanks to SB. you're predictably unpredictable.
but you did great today.
and i promise to let you know of this in 6 months time.
once we go live!

jason mraz is god.

well of course not literally :)

pergi function A. pakai baju B.
and i thought i was the confused one.

anyway, that aside.
WHAT DO I DO WITH YOU?
you have me absolutely puzzled.
i dont know whether to: laugh, jump, scream, yell or cry.

twirly's OH!

happy 2nd birthday asiff & ayra!
may allah bless you with utmost love, joy and contentment.
and may the both of you grow up to be beautiful people :)

while the one has been quiet.
the other surprised me with a text!
so god has his ways.
remember to leave it all up to him, dearself.
on that note..
shall i thank you in advance?
for helping me putting up my own walls?

***
at twirly's, twas great catching up with the boys.
thanks for the EU ole-ole Han! :)
and, it is safe to say that: hypothesis confirmed.
you're sah.

i shall not only give you the benefit of the doubt.
i'm also giving you space, air and all that you need.
i'm giving you the opportunity to walk away and not turn back,
thank you.

space

"Ever heard of giving someone the benefit of the doubt? Practice this principle today. Someone in your family or group of friends is going through something intense, and your attitude toward them is starting to sour, big time. Communication is going to be either labored or entirely vicious, but you need to try hard to detach and let them be. Your best bet? Remove yourself from the situation. Let this person know you are giving them space instead of creating more angst. They'll come around when they're feeling better."

The Bottom Line
Communication is going to be either labored or entirely vicious today.

pms?

ada org edgy nampak hari ni :P
but still kind enough to take us out to hartamas for lunch.

thank you.

an Ex for a day

accidentally ter-minated.
'twas indeed really funny!

delish birthday treat

the AD took us out for lunch -birthday treat for the two ladies.
lunch at delish was delish!

then headed off for the staff meeting.
MBOs and M&As occupied our thoughts.
but i cant afford to dwell into that,
my multiple jobs are already killing me.

no, correction. my masters is!

back to my dissertations now..
sambil contemplating if i should go see johnny at 11am.

seriously, why do everything have to happen all at once?

when your body screams HELP

i think my vertebrae is splitting into its respective chords as i write. sakiiiiiiiiiiiit!

we hosted eid open house today. best :)
ala ala stakeholders' management 101.
new office, new client, new project - and all that.
plus liza's farewell + zal's pre-birthday.

ah there's so much work, im virtually drowning. oh! this friday, si dia ajak ke ms read. nak treat the girls for post-birthday lunch. and then petang, or rather MALAM, we'll head back to HQ for staff meeting and the official office open house.

well wishes for gens to come

attended your wedding reception last night.
and you looked beautiful, as ever.
something everyone knew all along.
that you'd make a gorrrgeous bride.

met the ex - along that night. after 3 yrs. chatted at the end of the night. twas all good. but i dont think there should be another meet up, until and unless you tie the knot.

been so sucked in by work but these lil instances of infatuations arent so cool. been a few days now that i've been thinking about him. but just.

back to work now.

welcoming DC

been working around the clock. servicing various time zones, i now need to keep track of 5 diff time zones excluding my home base.

due to sleep deprivation, today's been a pretty lazy saturday. throbbing migraine and slept throughout while my research papers are stacking up by the minute.

submitted my first official design to DC yesterday around midnight. he was happy with the first draft cut a day prior to that, and he was happy with the final design yesterday. alhamdulillah. lets see the kechinggg come in some time next week, and we'll talk business! :)

kerja macam nak mati sampai tak tidur, but its gonna go away in no time - roadtax due this november :(

quake & tsunami alert

felt my head spinning.
maybe due to overdose of coffee, i thought to myself.

felt the floor (of 44th floor!) vibrating. then swaying.
maybe i'm feeling nauseous and hvg another migraine?

the floor shook stronger. maybe its the elavator - of the floor beneath. all these happening while i was in the meeting with the project team, director, clients and bosses at about 630-640pm. so i moved to another seat. still the vibration. and swaying.

looked to AA: is it just me or is the floor moving?
AA: i thought it was just me!
echoed by eeeeveryone else.

it continued for a while more. LAMA pulak tu! and PD still wanted to continue with the meeting. nak discuss presentation slides katanya, to prep for tmr's steering comm meeting. GILA?!

after a while.. we just packed up everything and left. takde masa nk shut2down lappie pun. and yes, PD still continued the meeting with a few others who believed they have 9 lives.

after what felt like the longest journey down from the 44th floor in the elavator, we were now stuck at the carpark basement - naturally. and then later when we surfaced, the roads in the city was in a standstill. those - day of judgement, world came to an end kinda scenes in the movies.. with orange skies, yeah like that.

so i still, for the life of me, can't understand how some ppl finds all this funny?

notes on chains of events:
quake in melb
epic dust strom in sydney
terrible typhoons in HK and china
tsunami in samoa, 8.3
quake in sumatera, 7.9

markers

if not for AA, i wouldve dreaded MBB.
especially with the SB in action, PIC leaving and DC coming in.

focus! focus! focus!

YC the SB

poor AA had to endure YC in her utmost snappy bitch mode.

out of whack!

so this is an absolutely crazy thursday.

juggling:

- the office
- 2 very demanding groups of clients
- my masters with i-dont-know-how-many-assignments
- a new lucrative job offer from the states
- the humane side of some family members

and all of the above from abroad!

tidur pun mimpi kerja office,
nak berak pun pikir pasal assignments. damn.

eid mubarak, mzb!

i'm where i belong :)

on another note, people come, people go.
i'm glad those (bitches) who has left, left.

wanting to remain friends? my fuckin foot!

of reasons, seasons and a lifetime

chapter 1, day 3: what's in the notion?

london took my son away

and just how do i respond to this?

chapter 1, day 2: i've fallen in love with you.

abil's trip to heaven

chapter 1, day 1:

#super early morning traffic (better get use to this if i plan to survive another 6 mos). #interesting encounter with the elevator - dropped 2 floors(!) #bumped into the EX-interviewer. #shocking news of the lost of a childhood friend. #came home to a satisfying cuppa joe.

*yours truly is very emotionally stirred at this point*

september love

happy anniversary! one month into now.
and a very memorable first month, haha.
and.. im 2-months strong, alhamdulillah.

oh yes, happy birthday faliq! i love you.

week 1 has been hectic. but you make work pleasurable, thankfully :)
sal's flown back to gc - for good. beep's sent to godknows some ulu kampung for his posting. good luck Doc! and deep's back in the picture.. i sense trouble. damn there's so many things going on at once.

but generally, it's been a pretty good week.
you make the difference. in me. thank you.

happy merdeka!

am extremely glad i went out last nite with the oreos.
firstly, to make up for the previous night i bailed out.
secondly, my brain just couldnt take it any longer for the day.

started at 10pm at starbucks.
11pm moved over to OTK because nizam was hungry.
by 1am we decided to go over to AC.
because timmy was there and marianne had to see him.

and my my were we shocked!
sal was theeeere.
seriously what are the chances.
dude, arent you supposed to be in GC?

next oreo dinner: tuesday! :)

redha?

so tell me again, what is this concept all about?
im confused.

maybe sebab brain-drained.
finished 3 office reports and uni journal reviews and a somewhat weekly virtual colloquium with a group of people twice my age. now about to start on another round. still deciding whether to go for work or uni materials.

or just fuck it and sleep.

***
i just realised why im working myself till i drop - literally! its you - yang arif.

of NDA and magnetic pot

you are so god damned intriguing i swear!
i can definitely relate to Apai in that sense.

and this 6-months thingy.
i've a 150% feeling that im bound to be tested - on a mega scale.
rather nervous. but im sure you'll be there to guide me.

definitely more than meets the eye.
i look forward to you and your tests.
and definitely looking forward to next tuesday morning..

pricing tool

at 630am! man am i proud of myself.
kalau boleh, nak buat bid review for all 4 pricing now.
gonna wrap this up for the settlers now.
and will start to look at the telco's issues in a bit and off to the meeting.

for once - i concur with your decision making.
bringing in the AD was/is THE right decision.

doing the arithmetic, drawing the timeline

o-kay! today's news was even more shocking.
so my PIC and i will have to draw up a timeline tmr to figure you out.
you give me new things to think of you every single day i drive home.

work is on the upward trend, increasing at an increasing rate.
so there's 3 projects concurrently. health, finance, and telco. nice.
especially being the bidan terjun for the telco one tmr morning.

oh yes, today was also hectic with engagement updates with the PM and engagement reviews with the councilor. sumpah stress okay.

and buka puasa in the car is a norm now.
and then cont work after prayers - paling normal skali.
speaking of which, i'd better get on to it now.

looking forward to you tomorrow :)
the whooooole freakin day + buka puasa with apai skali and the gang at the oh-so-yummy.

a string of surprises, yet again

yours truly will be away for a good 6 months as of 1st september.

you know when you say you never wanna do something.
that will be THE particular thing that you'll end up doing.
but it's all good. because you know best. i believe so.

***
it was indeed an awesome-er tuesday.
i had a good time with you.
and the new proposals and exposure.
thank you, both.

and im learning to get to know you better.
shocking. but.. better..
i dont know what else is in store for me
but am enjoying your string of surprises.

back to work now.

prettiest friend

hello, awesome monday!

i find you utterly intriguing.
and absolutely entertaining!

you make mondays feel like fridays,
ah, the joy of working with you :)

but darling please do us all a favour, get enough sleep
before you come in tomorrow and have a proper sahur
we dont want a repeat of today's, yes?
we nearly had crams from holding back our laughter in today's meeting, thanks to you.

btw, i just loved our exchange of sms-es in the settlers meeting :P
and i think that you're amusing when grumpy.
i guess right this point, just anything you do makes me smile.

see you in a bit awesome-er tuesday ;)

DKDC

thanks batak. you're the best :)

torn between

the ex. and the ex's ex!
spell me loyalty, please?
but i adore them both..

every thing happens for a reason,
remind yourself that.

you wouldn't just waltz in for nothing.
right?

1st ramadhan

fasting and berbuka in kl after some 4 years
and cumulatively with the whole family after 7 years?

man, that's a long while.
and into the mosque for terawih too.
berat nak pergi,
but once there, berat nak balik.
that peaceful feeling. i miss.

i wish im also with you, in times like this.
it'll just have to wait a few more weeks.

and speaking to you this evening was nice. it's been awhile since i actually felt happy after we got off the phone. you sounded good, like your voice always do. but i just felt so much love :)

let's hope our prayers are answered in this blessed month.
goodnight. wishing myself luck with the khatam Quran process.

wrap up

the 3 day-marathon ended today.
my heart goes out to the girls.
appreciate your efforts, patience and trust.
one for being my sidekick all these while.
the other for being irreplaceable.
and to the PM for being just who you are.

'cept for the EC who couldn't make it.
oh well, yes yes i get your message, god.
i kinda knew it already too.

goodnight, yours truly needs to recharge.
oh ya, selamat berpuasa!

theory of scarcity?

haiih.. things have not changed much i see.
well, im off to more meaningful things now.

fantastic how work can make me ecstatic :)

see you soon, weips

we had our 4th lunch together.
and you're a fan of laksa johor :)

oh ya, thanks for today. for championing our efforts - the whole resource-squabble process and for the remote-working arrangements. lepas tu buat muka kesian, complete with the tone and look, nak tau where we're parking ourselves in the next 3 days dan nak ikut. how can i say no to you?

now that you know, i look forward to friday!

if you're happy and you know it

CLAP YOUR HANDS!

just got news.
and horaaayy.
i'll hv to return to home-base tmr!
aaahh gila babi stokedddd.

dan dan tu terus text you.
shall see you tmr morning.
catch-up session! omg i need my laughing dose, i swear.

and then i hope you're coming in too :)

*clap* *clap*

ahlan wa sahlan!

happy pill's hooome :D
im sooo-o-o-oww elated.
especially when he told me "your brother is looking for you".
since yes - thanks to him jugaklah im not in the office today!
dont even know why but you have this effect on me.

itupun catch up over the net saja.
i swear i feel like squeezing the life out of you
everytime you return from that long trip. haha.

aah. but gotta wait another one looong week before i can see you in person. nak balik kampung lah pulak. sedih sikit. but today's joy overcomes that feeling, for now :)

***
okay i gotta get back to my excel files yang dah bagai nak beranak those numbers. i wonder, what you're wearing today.. im missing your presence and laughter.

o&g: 12 mo ext.

according to last friday's conv + email,
i'll be in their system for 2 years!! masyaallah.

im not sure if they are crazy for the offer (again)
or i am? for turning them down for the nth time.

unless things between the AD and i gets ugly,
pretty much nothing can buy me at this point.

music-retail-food therapy

in that order :)

rashdan harith.
m.nasir's sleeping mantra.
andrew garcia.
keri hilson.

and i wont hv to worry abt baju kurungs for a while!
twas one hell of a bargaining process. tapi puas hati :)

lepas tu indulge in ice cream. ALL THESE, thanks to b.
orang lain yg nak retail therapy, org lain yang broke.
hahaha. yes, the broke part came from attending to my baby earlier in the morning.

so..
here's the dilemma tmr.
im getting full-fledge wfh.
in fact - an order from the PM.
but..
i dont want to!
cause i wont be able to see you.
dah la tu, i'll be based offsite the entire week.
friday baru boleh jumpa.
2 hari ni pun dah bagai nak gila.
now, add another 4 more days?

:(

what have you done to me, _ _ _ _ _ _?

oh, girl!

oh, boy!

you are sinfully attractive.
dangerously inviting.
what a beautiful living thing.

funny. witty. and of character.
your intelligence defines sexy.
your persona wins me.
your hello had me.
your smile weakens me.
your grace melts me.
your eyes locks me into you.
your presence blows me away.

i wish i could tell you all this.
without you running away.
maybe someday,
maybe someway.

shhh..

our secrets are ours to keep;
those that the mind can't comprehend.

the blower's daughter

they wouldn't understand
you wouldn't comprehend
even i surprised myself

and you now know a little more.
all because, he's in the hospital.
and i know i shouldn't have.

but they say, life is too short
to let these go unnoticed?

signed. sealed. delivered.

spent the whole day from 9-9 with you today.
i've not been this married to my job in a while.
nearly 6 months maybe?
i can so foresee, gone are the days of WFHs :)

twas a generally beautiful day, factoring in lunch and all.
but started feeling sad towards the end of the day.
i guess we were in denial while drowning our thoughts in work.
i hate goodbyes. and bidding you farewell was surprisingly tougher than i imagined.

you've touched the hearts of many,
in the seriously short time span we've spent.
well, i wish you well.
and hope we'll cross path, some day.
i'll miss you.

***
i so have to practise social distancing.
and emotional detachment.

hunch.com

with work matters,
you hv the extra sense too!
you've earned the + point.
im liking you even more :)

but.. that also means..
you can sense that.
shit. this can go both ways.

***
happy 25th, mr. pilot.

knock knock wonderment

hello, you :)
and how may i be of assistance?

***
something feels wrong.
hands trembling.
joints are aching - bad.

work ittt

it's been awhile since i've been THIS excited for mondays :)

biology

stumbled upon panjang's kids' family photo.

my heart sank.
i saw their mom for the first time, in 20 years.
i saw haikal after 20 years.

what have you done?
to your family?
to mine?

sigh..

working weekend

rads' exec summ is looking at major overhaul.
5876 requires my attn ASAP before they jump out of their skin.
and then there's the ohsobanyaaak domestic affairs.
oh squeeze some time for you, and them too - weips is back tmr!

wah. tak menang tangan.

but yours truly is feeling very blessed :)
(minus the mother-daughter bit. but yes)

ai-sey!

(lunch #2)

please don't play with your hair
while you're talking to me.
you take my concentration away.

oh god, you're hot.

***
happy birthday mey! i love you :)

anni.

just realised.
it's been a month!
alhamdulillah :)

***
i see that you're going through the same motions?
hahaha.

stomach-headache

1. ma's upset with me thanks to panjang. that man - i wish you'd do something about him already.

2. been informed that, apai and zee has tendered too. hmm..

3. the family has been asking about you. you're busy, i said.

4. it 430am. feverish. headache. and trying hard not to throw up. doesnt help that the house is under quarantine. sigh.

the x-factor

(lunch #1)

i like you. so far.
that's before we screw each other over the pipeline.
hope not!

you. are dangerously attractive.
and complicated.

the return

is absolutely HOT.

intelligence is sexy. and suave is attractive.

although i should remind myself that

you have not really talked about any work related matters!

in fact, we've only exchanged names.
you, my friend. is what i call trouble with a capital T.

sink-in(g)

i take it back.
now THE most precious one has left.

shit man.

oh well, bye-bye doc.

***
happy birthday batak!
happy pill's so far in mkec.
balik lah cepat please.
by the time you're back,
you may no longer recognise the front door,
nor the people.

stuck on replay

had a super splendid weekend with loved ones,
and feeling absolutely over the moon right this moment.

thanks b, oreos, clique, and girls.

i love you!

bliss :)

perm

on the same day:

the resignation. that threw me off completely.
the whole day was - yeahyouknowhowitwas.
then in the evening,
(which i JUST found out 'cause i was too bumped to even check the webmail)
came the new offer letter.

honestly honestly do not know how to react.
although, alhamdulillah would be the most appropriate action now.

oh, you are so full of surprises.
when i didn't even have time to rationalise the morning event,
you keep 'em coming :)

thank you. so much.

the establishment

just got back from my caffeine therapy.
thank you :)

***
we had an impromptu plan earlier in the day.
i was having a terrible day with the resignation and our crazy client.
you knew. you said alright, but wanted it to be at yours.
i said to have it at mine.
you canceled.
i was fine with it (much to my expectation). but i just kept silent.
later in the night, you called! (shock #1)
said you decided to meet some friends, and to meet me after.
i said alright. having in mind, you're gonna call it off later.
well at least i wanted to.
an hour later, you texted that you're on the way! (shock #2)
fuck. swift change. another call came in. you're at my door.

***
keep up with these (pleasant) surprises,
and i'll very soon start hvg heart attacks.

OH yeah! happy birthday azreen.
(bila lah makcik ni nak balik?)

(morale) below zero

the jewel of IA has resigned.
today being the last day.

sigh?

august rush

you said it'll be in august.

let's see.

"see ya later, mate"

MK flew off today. the house is empty once again.
i think we'll all miss his absolute madness.

and so are you - boys weekend in singapore.

that aside, whatever virus or flu you brought,
has got the entire house down with it too!
*can't afford to get sick, can't afford to get sick*

because there's like 3 million things to do this w/end.
weekends can be.. tiring, i say. down to business now.

todays read:
Dearest Aquarius, health comes up for you today, so be careful and if you can stay out of larger crowds today, do it. It doesn't look serious but there are a lot of bugs out there and a summer bug is a different animal. Today is a good day not to push it; you might go to bed early.

yours:
Do not delay! It will end in knowing embrace. Make a move, and make it fast! She/he is not going to stand for your fickle behavior much longer, and today you have to be clear with your intentions! You can do it!

***
while i need to get well, you can start making up your mind? :)

The Arrivals

*thank you mizi for the link:
http://www.arrivals.technocrazed.com/about-the-arrivals/

caught my attention pretty much there and then.

The Arrivals is a series of short videos that are aimed to show us all the religious signs that prove the foundation of all requirements for the existence of the Anti-Christ, Al Mahdi and the second coming of the Christ. Each episode proves a point.

The series aims at clearing the misconceptions between the Muslims and the west and evaluates the basis of this divide.

as per your request, i'll watch the episodes so that we can discuss mmkay :)


*bruneian bloke from bond. adam's & chaitu's bff + roomie.

mr. i wanna make magic

sang oh so well, i could so lose myself in his eyes for the nth time!

yup. i just got back from FAME finale. eyes can barely open.

1. splendid performance by everyone. claud CAN sing. well, she's vocally trained - so yeah expect to hear the power house! but aiman's acting was better than claud's. and i can see that her singing will improve too over time.

2. you and i.. well, you didn't bail out. whatever that means. but let's just say i trust my guts better :)

3. you know how some people have that face that warrants to be lempang-ed WITHOUT ANY wrongdoing on their part? (or maybe a little but..) i could so do you now. in fact, at any given time. you are so menjengkelkan. yes, i cannot find a more suitable word to describe you.

wishful thinking

2 hours to go and..
im secretly wishing that
you'd take a rain check tonight.
besides, you hate kids & musicals.
so why in god's name again did you wanna come?
that i still can't figure out.

i so so so so so so so so sooooo
don't wanna see you tonight :(

let's see if You hear me out on this.

i don't wanna see or go out with anyone. it feels like im forcing myself for the sake of the people around me. and i think faking smiles are just - bad, for you and i.

how do i tell them all, that i AM o-kay, alone?
fact is, im pretty happy that i CAN be happy, on my own.
w/out depending on others, or - another half.

'i am muslim'

finally, a quiet night to myself. about to start reading this book by dina zaman.

the chapters caught & locked my attention immediately. in fact its something that you'll be drawn to too. especially with her writing style. sempoi. nice.

chap 1: travels in faith
chap 2: sex within islam
chap 3: soul searching
chap 4: portraits

of course there's sub-chaps but am too eager to start reading, so.. shall review the book once done with it okay?

thoughts provoking

#1 - you are too disgusting for my liking. oops sorry, lil miss.

#2 - you are possibly diagnosed with throat cancer. yours truly does not know how to react. and then my cousins and their friends like you. yours truly laaagi does not know how to react. and feels like withdrawing. catch 22 once more.

#3 - you - im seeing tomorrow night. and i suddenly no longer feel like it anymore. i feel... malas. comes to think of it, i always end up feeling like this when im about to meet you. so eventually, it never happens. dont even know why. sorry dvd-boy.


i just wanna sit and dwell in work. and work only. boleh?
need to eliminate human interaction for a while. too much for this week.

i want to be alone. i need to be alone.

there she goes

the god-daughter is back. hmm.

self note: i cross my fingers that we're not paired for the next project. you're so uptight, it's gonna make the already cold storage go beyond freeze. matilah.

bread & butter pudding

we all have unhealthy addictions.
while yours is that, you're my current craving.

god, why do i have butterflies
every time i even think of calling you?
let alone when receiving your call.
with that, i always put off all the intended calls.

and then there's si stalker.
goodness grief, you are EVERY-where. seriously.
like smack-in-the-face kinda every where.
(even if he's not suffocated, i am - just by observing)

but thats alright 'cause yours truly has a new habit
she no longer wants to fight for anyone.
(simply because semua ni buat serabut saja)
so kalau nak, sila lah ambik. aaall yours.
yes, this one too. kalau dpt, gd for you :)

ps: today i've deleted the final remnants of you.

today she reads

the bottom line

A crutch you once relied on is gone. The funny thing is, you don't even miss it.

in detail

Suddenly, your daily routine is going to feel comforting, not boring. This is good news, because it doesn't look as if there will be much variation in the upcoming weeks. The patterns of your life are coming together to form a very interesting picture, and you'll be quite content to live through it. All your questions are going to get answered, and you're going to get a strong confirmation that the recent tough decision you made was the right one.

emotionally incapable

that's what you told me - what your ex told you.
(sambil packing, sambil thinking..)

will be outstation for a bit. leaving tomorrow morning. YAYY!
yours truly is soooo very very very thankful.
rimas okay duduk kat KL ni lama lama.
breathing the same air; it can get pretty suffocating really.

btw, si pemberi-dvd: im scared to find you frequenting my mind again off late.

FAME

was abbbsolutely fabulous!

everyone (and the performer herself) was asking about you. i hope firdus is happy and contented now that you bailed out on this pre-planned function - for the second time that aunt paid for.

at least i know where i stand - that i didn't stop you ever from going out with nabila where ever, when ever, drinking, partying, or what have you - preplanned or not.

ah, i just wonder if some people get a little kick out of being small minded?

butterfly kisses

just got back from the airport.
mum, F & E's gone. i feel empty.

***

saw you and your husband.
didn't like what i saw but oh well.
i think you make a terrific wife.
and you're my mother.
that much, im proud of, mummy.

***

i suddenly miss you. having you. seeing you. your voice.
i don't wanna talk to you but i could hear you on to no end.
yeah, your nonsense blabbering :)
have i told you that you sing really well?
i miss the hot cup of milo that you made me.
yay to next sunday!
i hope we don't end up bailing out on each other :)

surprise, surprise

you're at it again, you sweet sweet sucker. i don't know why and how to react. but at the moment, being nonchalant's my safest bet.

thank you for your countless attempts. all of which i successfully bailed out. okay, blame me for being unreasonably, foolishly loyal.

(all those wasted days and nights when i missed, waited and loved you - who was with her instead. i should've known the night you answered the call outside your room. and the way you looked at me in bed later the same night. i saw it in your eyes but i brushed it aside. the 2 spoons in that ice cream bowl lying on your floor, the red tank top, all those days when you were the only thing on mind when i was abroad, strolling by the shops thinking that "oh X would like this, that, etc" while unknowingly you were spending your minutes with her, and MANY MANY more that i brushed aside. how foolishly stupid i was to have believed all your crocodile tears and love speech)

note to self: listen & trust your guts next time, every-time! i made the biggest mistake by wanting to believe it wasnt true. itulah giving the benefit of the doubt lagi. pfft.

today was toootally uncalled for! you downloaded, compiled, and burned all my favourite shows onto dvds, which you passed through our common friend because quoting you:

"planning to meet you is like planning to meet the pope!"

hahaha im sorry. i'll make it up to you soon.
anyhoo, thank you beribu-ribu kali.
and you've got me listening to your song now.
through the barricades - spandau ballet.

you said, you do things for no reason. so, all these asking outs (and me being completely oblivious that you wanted to bring me to your friends), dvds and songs - are purely out of your boredom. so i, being one who holds dearly to words, will believe so.

oh yes, thank you for the final surprise - for next sunday night.

with love on the back burner, work is my burning desire

yours truly is SO overwhelmingly swamped with work, its crazy!
i could hear the adrenaline screaming in my head "go! go! go!"

but today and tomorrow, i need to compartmentalise - spend time with mama and the boys. we had a good 3 hours today. and hopefully more tomorrow afternoon. i know how we should live the moment and not think about what is to happen later. but i cant help myself, knowing that i will miss them dreadfully come this saturday. and that's gonna hurt - alot. god knows when i'll see them again. this really is hard :(

***

today i introduced lieyana to mum and boys; the opening lines were:

"i have a colleague, her name is lieyena and we've been working in all projects together to date.."

the death stares i got from them - cracked me up big time!

all three went "maji, oh god"

"she's married with a kid!" (i had to burst the bubble)

and they went "thank god!"

hahahaha :) relax people. im comfortably married to my job now. it gives me enough pleasure and satisfaction and doesn't shatter my heart into pieces. what more can i ask for, right?

***

back to the love of my life now.
let's burn the midnite oil.
we have so much to catch up with - of today's and tomorrow's.

before that, maybe i should catch up with the old friend first. he asked me out to lunch today. sorry i had to decline you (for the second time in addition to the weekend's trip to melaka). it was absolute rush from work to home to the family outing.

hellooo, work!

im comfortably swamped with work. and feeling happy about it. seems like yours truly is back in her original gear. especially with new incoming projects, new clients and new partners. i like :)

had a meeting at the partner's office this evening. the place is oh so gorgeousss! i fell in love with the landscape immediately. never knew such a place existed smack in the middle of PJ! slightly secluded, open-green courtyard with fountains, pretty pretty cafes, and a 2-in-1 residential service apartment cum offices. tak rasa macam kat m'sia. and ive already spotted where my possible 'work station' will be - at one of those cafes groundfloor next to the open courtyard facing the fountains :) sweet as! - as the aussies put it.

but otw back from the partner's office today it was raining, for a good 2 hours. i thought of you. but im sure you're well sorted.

that aside, luqman shared this with me today: 9 ways of marrying the wrong person. rather lengthy but its a worthwhile - interesting and informative read.

1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you’re married. The classic mistake: Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can’t be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don’t get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, “You actually can expect people to change after they’re married… for the worst!” So when it comes to the other person’s spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.

2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character. Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the “I’m in love” syndrome. “I’m in love” often means, “I’m in lust”. Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person’s character? Here are four character traits to definitely check for:

Humility: Does this person believe that “doing the right thing” is more important than personal comfort? Do I want to be more like this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?

Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn’t have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give charity?

Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he’s going to do?

Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable? Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?

3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn’t understand what a woman needs most. Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn’t “get it.” Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them. The unique need of a woman is to be loved — to feel that she is the most important person in her husband’s life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention. This is most apparent in Judaism’s approach to sexual intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the sexual needs of his wife. Sexual intimacy is always on the woman’s terms. Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes to this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, “Men have two speeds: on and off.” Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things happen. (i dont think its fair to blame just the MAN)

4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goals and priorities. There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
-chemistry and compatibility
-share common interests
-share common life goal

Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you’re “living for,” while you’re single — and then find ! someone who has come to the same conclusion as you. This is the true definition of a “soul mate.” A soul mate is a goal mate — two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life’s purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.

5. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this person. To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: “Do I respect and admire this person?” This does not mean, “Am I impressed by this person?” We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc. Also ask: “Do I trust this person?” This also means, “Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?”

6. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don’t feel emotionally safe. Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way! Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you’re afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there’s a problem with the relationship. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don’t feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There’s a big difference between controlling” and “making suggestions.” A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.

7. You pick the wrong person because you don’t put everything on the table. Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way. To evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you? Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with! this person. If you can’t be vulnerable, then you can’t be intimate. The two go hand in hand.

8. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness. If you are unhappy and single, you’ll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You’ll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.

9. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle. To be “triangulated” means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn’t separated from his or her parents is the classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their number one priority. And that’s no basis for a marriage. (some people must be stuck in a hexagon then!)

and the grammy goes to

manusia sesungguhnya suka (sangat) berlakon.
all the false pretense, i dont even know for what!

another text from mama. im supposed to attend a huge-ass panjang's family dinner because all the aunties, uncles, cousins and literally everyone has been asking about and for me. and believe me, they are a HUGE BUNCH!

for what? so that i can go. and pretend all is good and dandy? that we are still a happy family? that they are paying for my education and how successful i have become?

and all the questions that i will have to brace. my work, love life, what car am i driving, whose car, whereabouts, house, contact number, office location etcetra, etcetra, etcetra.

another open ended decision for tonight. i dont wanna tell them about me. but i dont know how to tell lies either. as according to panjang, who told them im working in riyadh!

seriously, the grammy goes to?

been to hell and back

im now a ball of fire.

have had enough of nonsense;
wasted my tears and almost lost my mind for nothing.

you were right. so much has happened yet nothing has changed.
youre still the same. and like you, i feel just as sorry for the new girl.

yours truly is outta here.

panjang revisited

okay. take in deeeep breaths.

i just got back from the family lunch. aunt's family, mama's and aunt helped diffuse the awkward moments by inviting unc yo's sister & husband.

i tried to be my civil best. said hello, smiled and even salam!
but he - panjang - had the guts to belai my cheek (stress #1).

then mum dropped the bomb: "join us for family dinner in subang tonite" (stress #2)

she continued: "dont say no. because im only back for a week. and look at all the things that mummy has done for you." (stress #3). her eyes swelled with tears (stress #4).

at the restaurant. they talked about the bangsar apartment and its details (stress #5). added with their lovy dovey scene infront of everyone. yes, add in those kisses (mega stress #6).

keep it all in yours truly. smile and be polite. remember, be civil - i tell myself.

lunch finally ended, we were about to depart. them back to subang. mama reminded me about dinner tonight. about being with my brothers etc. and at the car - sempat lagi tu - she said "come to the house tonight" - in reference to panjang's house (stress #7). and by now i was starting to think to myself, okay when will this ever end?

***

am finally back in my temple now. went straight to the balcony. stood still for a good 2 minutes and brokedown - seven levels of stress, what do you expect right. everyone was in their respective rooms and aunt just let me cry. she understood i need to gain myself composure back before i can make any decent conversation. awhile later, she took me to her room, hugged me and i continued to breakdown.

we talked. and unc yo joined. until i was no longer in tears and have myself intact again. the decision for tonite is still open ended.

and throughout all this, you did come across my mind. if i couldve told you about it. you said i have you with me anywhere i go, but where are you? you said you'll never leave me, but you're in her arms now - the one you claim who is just a friend and not your girlfriend.

enough already. words are overrated. i miss you, i need you, i want you, i love you, please dont leave me and all that crap are absolute bull. ESPECIALLY I LOVE YOU. fuck that!

im taking one step at a time for this week at least and deal with my mum and stepfather. then im leaving the country by month-end. lets look forward to that instead. i foolishly left HK, my centre of contentment, and came back for someone who used me, treated me like sampah and does not value me at all.

add to that, you left me high and dry - literally. just like how you did to NB whom i still think is a nice girl - all these while, to date. and it will happen again to FS, si queen control - who very well deserves it.

morning star

yours truly was on standby last night.
finally got the call, so i boarded the 530am flight.

on the flight, i came across this:

لاَ يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلاَّ وُسْعَهَا
[part of al-baqarah: 286]

aquarius today

The Bottom Line
Your deep feelings need to be addressed. Expose yourself emotionally and be heard.

In Detail
A loved one you've been thinking about fondly for some time has finally come around -- at least, it seems that way. There are several roadblocks in their way, however, many of which won't move aside easily. The hard part will be overcoming your urge to clear their way without enlisting any help at all from them. The harder part is the absolute necessity of letting go so they can make this happen alone -- which is what really counts.

give 'em the benefit of the doubt

and never mind how it boomerangs back?

i think petua's are full of jacks. seriously.

stoked as!

Kala is back ~ like hooooly shit!
MK & Faliq are too.
Mama & Edi will be in a weeks time.
G in 2 weeks.
and Beep in 3 weeks - for good.

July is a happy, happy month :)

Im gonna be hell-broke. but HAPPY.

an organised crime

what have you gotten yourself into? two years have past, and the same question revisited.

at the rate that this is going, i think i need an extended 6-months holiday on a deserted island, alone, to clear up the clutter in my mind.

you know how sometimes you love someone so much, you try to protect them with all your might, length and extent? and at times its just best to let them fall, and pick themselves up? easier said than done.

which is why.. its best not to know. than knowing and not being able to do anything about it.

ps: i think italians talk WAY too much. mr italiano rambled on for 4 straight hours; my blood sugar level spiraled down! if not for the grande latte he got me, i wouldve bitten his head off alive. let alone the content that i had to endure. lesson learned today: yours truly is being reminded of what patience, hardship, and perseverance is.

season's greetings

with typhoon T1 warning up! it was a year ago. when i wanted to come over there was the typhoon, and now again its happening. we laughed at it.

im out of the motherland's air radius! :)

arrived late last night, after flight delay, turbulences and random security checks. oh the usual. i slept throughout the flight, ha penat mcm tu skali. arrived the hotel, ate simple "home" food :) i miss.

we chatted, and you spoke alll night. i was happy to just lie by your side and listen. literally JUST listen. until about near 2am, and i could no longer make sense of the conversation, so i dozed off again.

we forgot to ask for extra blankies. i said it was alright and just slept. too tired to worry abt being cold or otherwise. only to realise later that night, you gave me your blankie and covered me up while you covered yourself up with just a kain batik.

***

well, its the next morning now. did the norm. what i would usually do 1 year ago. washing, meals, and the domestic affairs.

gonna go out out later this evening for meetings.

am feeling very at peace with myself, alhamdulillah. what i actually wanted and needed so desperately.

it'll give me enough time to think, reflect, read coelho's book yang dah lama nak baca but never had time to, watch tv & PB together, roam the streets, do the 6 kms ritual walk, do groceries, go to the harbour and watch the birds, drink coffee while not in a stressful state - which means actually enjoying the smell and taste of the brew, polish my nails, spend time with him, oh the beautiful list is endless.

but throughout all this, the first thing on my mind when i arrived was you. and until now, it's you.

what you don't know

won't hurt you.

i guess there is some truth in that.

4:45

sent!

more than ready to pengsan now. the dissertation that, awhile back seemed like it would have never finished, is over now. thank goodness.

but then had to wait all evening to meet the godfather. only to hear him say "i'll get back to you in the next few days". although, he did repeat himself at least 3 times. nvm, zero expectations do me better. so, brush it off.

and now im hvg the chills. apa lagi, pop them pills tonight. demam nanti tak best nak fly. eh wait, i wont even be able to fly at all!

so the plan is.. friday night i'll be seeing mama :) kinda miss her actually so i intentionally committed my time to see her before i fly off.

O' Allah

O' Allah,
If i love a person, please don't let me love them more than i love You.

O' Allah,
If i miss a person, please don't let me miss them more than i miss You.

O' Allah,
If i want a person, please don't let me want them more than i want You.

O' Allah,
If i need a person, please don't let me need them more than i need You.

O' Allah,
If i fear a person, please don't let me fear them more than i fear You.

[thank you TN, for sharing this with me]

panjang

"my husband wants to talk to you. would you?"

that's like a nightmare come true alright. the day that i hope will never happen, is now here. my stepdad is back in the picture (after about 7 years)!

i knew this was coming the day mom offered (and insisted) me to have that Apt. and for that many times, i politely declined. and for that many times too, i think i upset mom. she feels insulted that im not accepting her offer. its not that i dont want to, its because of things like these lah.

now kononnya, he wants to liase with me directly to renovate the Apt and what nots. mom added "he just wants the past behind". yeah, HIS past maybe. id rather live in an old shack than having to deal with him again.

cant that old man just leave me alone already. seriously. sigh. so now, there's gonna be another streak of commotion in trying to talk to mom without insulting her. i hate being put in catch 22.

that's why life was much easier when i was overseas, alone. with no money, living in a place that looked like it was going to be torn or burnt down anytime. but at least, no one would disturb me, look or know of my living condition and definitely not able to complain anything as that was my own money, and that was all i could afford.

oh si stepdad ni, the family (without my family's knowledge) calls him panjang. dada aptly suggested so :) i have a cool grandfather, yes.

*i look forward to today's evening run.

finding comfort in chaos

checklist for tonight:

1. work myself til dawn. cut off at 4am?
2. go for a good run tomorrow morning.
3. consume a healthy shot of caffeine after that.

going.. going.. gone

there's something very familiar with
the feeling of leaving,
smell of the airport,
look of the runway,
holding the red book in your hands,
the beeps and bops, and long lines.

it's the closest feeling of 'home' that i know of.

knowing the unknown

i find beauty in submitting yourself to the unknown,
knowing that you'll be well taken care of.

rather paradoxical if you ask me. but that's the beauty isn't it?
oh how you blow my mind.

i received a call for the long overdue interview, tmr. not pressured nor worried whether i'll be getting it. am completely leaving it up to you, to decide what's best for me. same goes for my moving out in july. and my partially doomed-love life :)

guess i forgot what it was like to - submit to you. and im thankful i (somewhat) have my senses and faith back now. i miss that "calmness" i used to have a while back, when everything was que sera sera.

norm

i've realised something has become a norm, off late this week.
and it feels pretty good.
and clean.
and.. peaceful.

alhamdulillah, i wish to keep it this way.

ps: even the working sunday doesnt bother me :) or maybe that's also 'cause, Federer's in the Roland Garros French Open FINALS toniiiiiight! Im so incredibly stoked and all geared for 9pm !

the fine line between selflessness and stupidity

why hope?
when it gets you nowhere.
(some say: hope is short for hope-less)

why expect?
when it hurts you there.

why wait?
when it pulls you down.

why love?
when it tears you up.

why remember?
when it fucks you bad.

why question?
when its God's jurisdiction.

afterlife

you and your logics.
me and my, shall i say antics? :)
nvm, shall find a better word for it later.

one thing that i'll nvr stop looking forward to is returning home to where i came from.
with the hope to see you there, and be with you again.
maybe thats why he wont let us be now.
possible tak?

i dont know what you think.
but thats the only thought that keeps me going for now.

oh just for the sake of my records: i got a new job offer today. tapi tak enthusiastic pun.

4D

i knew i'd win my own bet last night :)

yeah.
you didnt call.
you didnt text.
when you said you would.
in fact, you offered to.
(and i waited...all night long)

i'll place my bets again, that if and when i finally ask.
you'd say you were too busy with the group of 8.
or your phone's out of battery.

and i know i will win that too.

and i will place another bet again today,
the same one as yesterday.
that there will be no calls nor texts.

man, i'll be on a winning streak.
maybe i should go get a 4D now.

love is blind, deaf and dumb.

i find it very mind boggling
and almost somewhat disturbing
how we let strangers
walk into our life
allowing them to wreck us apart
leaving us with a hell lot of
heart and headache
most of the times.

funny, don't you think?

you're so beautiful

i realised last night, as i was talking to a friend
i realised that i realised, you have not left me
in fact, you never did leave

tongue twister aside.

my colleague and i were talking abt work and our respective projects
conversation goes along the lines of

F: are there any new pursuits in our company?
I: yeah, there are a couple, A, B, C, D, and E
F: dont know why B is taking so long to come back to us (here he refers to why our client is taking such a long time to decide on when to start the project and the details of the project)
I: i think god is great in his planning. dont worry abt it. everything will fall into place. im sure there are reasons for the delay. when we finish our current projects, the rest will fall into place just right :)
F: laughed off

i just realised i said those words as i was typing.
all these while i too was as concerned, just like F.
or am i being too complaicent now? i dont think so.
i do have my concerns. but not - worries in that sense.

today, it happened again.
after last night's trip back home from the 2-day outstation.
i've been worried sick about concluding this project and
my masters dissertation on time
(both of them having the same due date, how nice)

today..
my PM decided to push the project due date a lil further,
and the structure was such that i could only do most of the work when the team has submitted to me their parts. since im doing the master editing.

hence,
allowing me space and time to work on my dissertation first.

and,
the best part is. the deadline falls in perfectly.
i need to finish my dissertaion by next monday.
and i will be receiving the parts from my project team on monday too.

how awesome is that?
alhamdulillah :)

the amusement-park-like-war-room

i just got back from a 2-day outstation work trip.
and i can safely say that i will be heading in for at least a week of serious shit sleepless nights.

current mode:
seperti stress junkie yang baru dpt a massive dose of substance.
oh what a jolt of excitement!

reality check:
unsure if it was then, in the amusement-park-like-war-room
or,
now - onwards!

sidetracking a little
i think im finding reasons to pick that phone up..
just to hear your voice. hmm.. i miss.

(now, si stress junkie is really in her zone)

you intrigue me

your actions fascinate me
your thoughts puzzle me
your presence captures me

you were there since day 1
well yeah i noticed you
but just noticed, you know.

you came forward, and
your actions fascinate me
your thoughts puzzle me
your presence captures me

you were there at my lowest
you made me believe you were there for a reason
maybe you've even made me hallucinate :)
but, yeah that was what you did

as i got on to my two feet again,
you detached
you disappeared

again,
your actions fascinate me
your thoughts puzzle me
but now,
your disappearance hurt me

so you reinforced it once again,
like you were there for a reason
and now that i'm strong,
so we're good to go (our own ways)

now
take 2
i was at my lowest again
you reappeared
who called you?
like a tape on rewind
you fell in at the perfect timing

your actions fascinate me
your thoughts puzzle me
your presence captures me
you, intrigue me.

careful what you wish for

so they say..
but i have to agree to that.

you see,
i work comfortably in a consulting firm in the city.
the first 4 mths was a living hell, mind you.
but it's all good now.
i get my much desired flexi hrs and doing something i have a passion for.

but back then in that particular 4 mths,
i prayed so hard that i'd get a new job.
working hrs stretched til near or past midnight
and weekends.
it started to take a toll on my health,
and my relationship(s).
and one of them, severely sacrificed :(

but nothing happened then.

suddenly, within this 2 weeks, new offers came in.

Company A
well established, international brand name.
paying well, but i dont fancy the job scope.

Company B
well established, locally.
not sure abt the pay, but the job scope interests me.

so tomorrow,
there's the final stage interview with Company A.
and - it's gonna b a 2 day process from 7am to 5pm!
AND add dinner to that thereafter.

you see,
i tend to withdraw when being suffocated.
especially when everything is happening at once.

not to forget, my current job, yes
i've still got till the end of the month to conclude the project.
AND my masters dissertation to submit.
oh good lord.

seems like it's gonna be a very intense week.
my so called much needed stress dose is here in truck loads, haha!
in the midst of this chaos,
i'm missing you dearly..

the scariest shit

happened this morning
when i woke up.

well to begin with i only had 3 hrs of sleep.
woke up, realising that the feeling is no longer bearable.
im missing you beyond belief.

then i felt like i was losing it - completely
honest to god that feeling scared the shit out of me
i NEVER wanna feel that again, ever!

i literally had to sit up and speak out loud to myself
to get a grip.

sometimes

Allah breaks our spirit
to save our soul

sometimes,
Allah breaks our heart
to make us whole

sometimes,
Allah allows pain
so we can be stronger

sometimes,
Allah sends us failure
so we can be humble

sometimes,
Allah allows illness so we can take
better care of ourselves

sometimes,
Allah takes away everything from us
so we can learn the value of everything he gave us

make plans
but understand that
we live by Allah's grace.

*thanks M for this :)

wicked wednesday

murphy's law. yes!
it tickles me every time, and i mean every time.

so, we had to submit a key deliverable to our client today.
my office lappie has decided to conveniently crash on me.
and my colleague just cant seem to email any files to me.

yes, we tried all avenues.

anyway, my team decided to drive over
to our colleague's place to get the files.
and it was quite a drive.

got there, had lunch.
oh yeah, we were at the mall :)
good vibes, yes?

did work. all was good.
(of course, it was starbucks!)

my brain was on fire.
time was ticking away.
i was sitting at the edge of my chair (literally!)
typing, and typing away.

BLANK!
the screen just went pitch - black!
yeah you guessed right,
now my personal lappie has crashed on me.
thank god most of it (the 250 page report) was saved.


all in all, we managed to finish it by 8 p.m.

oh, how i love God's sense of humor :)

i

thank you
for reading my random thoughts.

yours truly :)