the fine line between selflessness and stupidity

why hope?
when it gets you nowhere.
(some say: hope is short for hope-less)

why expect?
when it hurts you there.

why wait?
when it pulls you down.

why love?
when it tears you up.

why remember?
when it fucks you bad.

why question?
when its God's jurisdiction.

afterlife

you and your logics.
me and my, shall i say antics? :)
nvm, shall find a better word for it later.

one thing that i'll nvr stop looking forward to is returning home to where i came from.
with the hope to see you there, and be with you again.
maybe thats why he wont let us be now.
possible tak?

i dont know what you think.
but thats the only thought that keeps me going for now.

oh just for the sake of my records: i got a new job offer today. tapi tak enthusiastic pun.

4D

i knew i'd win my own bet last night :)

yeah.
you didnt call.
you didnt text.
when you said you would.
in fact, you offered to.
(and i waited...all night long)

i'll place my bets again, that if and when i finally ask.
you'd say you were too busy with the group of 8.
or your phone's out of battery.

and i know i will win that too.

and i will place another bet again today,
the same one as yesterday.
that there will be no calls nor texts.

man, i'll be on a winning streak.
maybe i should go get a 4D now.

love is blind, deaf and dumb.

i find it very mind boggling
and almost somewhat disturbing
how we let strangers
walk into our life
allowing them to wreck us apart
leaving us with a hell lot of
heart and headache
most of the times.

funny, don't you think?

you're so beautiful

i realised last night, as i was talking to a friend
i realised that i realised, you have not left me
in fact, you never did leave

tongue twister aside.

my colleague and i were talking abt work and our respective projects
conversation goes along the lines of

F: are there any new pursuits in our company?
I: yeah, there are a couple, A, B, C, D, and E
F: dont know why B is taking so long to come back to us (here he refers to why our client is taking such a long time to decide on when to start the project and the details of the project)
I: i think god is great in his planning. dont worry abt it. everything will fall into place. im sure there are reasons for the delay. when we finish our current projects, the rest will fall into place just right :)
F: laughed off

i just realised i said those words as i was typing.
all these while i too was as concerned, just like F.
or am i being too complaicent now? i dont think so.
i do have my concerns. but not - worries in that sense.

today, it happened again.
after last night's trip back home from the 2-day outstation.
i've been worried sick about concluding this project and
my masters dissertation on time
(both of them having the same due date, how nice)

today..
my PM decided to push the project due date a lil further,
and the structure was such that i could only do most of the work when the team has submitted to me their parts. since im doing the master editing.

hence,
allowing me space and time to work on my dissertation first.

and,
the best part is. the deadline falls in perfectly.
i need to finish my dissertaion by next monday.
and i will be receiving the parts from my project team on monday too.

how awesome is that?
alhamdulillah :)

the amusement-park-like-war-room

i just got back from a 2-day outstation work trip.
and i can safely say that i will be heading in for at least a week of serious shit sleepless nights.

current mode:
seperti stress junkie yang baru dpt a massive dose of substance.
oh what a jolt of excitement!

reality check:
unsure if it was then, in the amusement-park-like-war-room
or,
now - onwards!

sidetracking a little
i think im finding reasons to pick that phone up..
just to hear your voice. hmm.. i miss.

(now, si stress junkie is really in her zone)

you intrigue me

your actions fascinate me
your thoughts puzzle me
your presence captures me

you were there since day 1
well yeah i noticed you
but just noticed, you know.

you came forward, and
your actions fascinate me
your thoughts puzzle me
your presence captures me

you were there at my lowest
you made me believe you were there for a reason
maybe you've even made me hallucinate :)
but, yeah that was what you did

as i got on to my two feet again,
you detached
you disappeared

again,
your actions fascinate me
your thoughts puzzle me
but now,
your disappearance hurt me

so you reinforced it once again,
like you were there for a reason
and now that i'm strong,
so we're good to go (our own ways)

now
take 2
i was at my lowest again
you reappeared
who called you?
like a tape on rewind
you fell in at the perfect timing

your actions fascinate me
your thoughts puzzle me
your presence captures me
you, intrigue me.

careful what you wish for

so they say..
but i have to agree to that.

you see,
i work comfortably in a consulting firm in the city.
the first 4 mths was a living hell, mind you.
but it's all good now.
i get my much desired flexi hrs and doing something i have a passion for.

but back then in that particular 4 mths,
i prayed so hard that i'd get a new job.
working hrs stretched til near or past midnight
and weekends.
it started to take a toll on my health,
and my relationship(s).
and one of them, severely sacrificed :(

but nothing happened then.

suddenly, within this 2 weeks, new offers came in.

Company A
well established, international brand name.
paying well, but i dont fancy the job scope.

Company B
well established, locally.
not sure abt the pay, but the job scope interests me.

so tomorrow,
there's the final stage interview with Company A.
and - it's gonna b a 2 day process from 7am to 5pm!
AND add dinner to that thereafter.

you see,
i tend to withdraw when being suffocated.
especially when everything is happening at once.

not to forget, my current job, yes
i've still got till the end of the month to conclude the project.
AND my masters dissertation to submit.
oh good lord.

seems like it's gonna be a very intense week.
my so called much needed stress dose is here in truck loads, haha!
in the midst of this chaos,
i'm missing you dearly..

the scariest shit

happened this morning
when i woke up.

well to begin with i only had 3 hrs of sleep.
woke up, realising that the feeling is no longer bearable.
im missing you beyond belief.

then i felt like i was losing it - completely
honest to god that feeling scared the shit out of me
i NEVER wanna feel that again, ever!

i literally had to sit up and speak out loud to myself
to get a grip.

sometimes

Allah breaks our spirit
to save our soul

sometimes,
Allah breaks our heart
to make us whole

sometimes,
Allah allows pain
so we can be stronger

sometimes,
Allah sends us failure
so we can be humble

sometimes,
Allah allows illness so we can take
better care of ourselves

sometimes,
Allah takes away everything from us
so we can learn the value of everything he gave us

make plans
but understand that
we live by Allah's grace.

*thanks M for this :)

wicked wednesday

murphy's law. yes!
it tickles me every time, and i mean every time.

so, we had to submit a key deliverable to our client today.
my office lappie has decided to conveniently crash on me.
and my colleague just cant seem to email any files to me.

yes, we tried all avenues.

anyway, my team decided to drive over
to our colleague's place to get the files.
and it was quite a drive.

got there, had lunch.
oh yeah, we were at the mall :)
good vibes, yes?

did work. all was good.
(of course, it was starbucks!)

my brain was on fire.
time was ticking away.
i was sitting at the edge of my chair (literally!)
typing, and typing away.

BLANK!
the screen just went pitch - black!
yeah you guessed right,
now my personal lappie has crashed on me.
thank god most of it (the 250 page report) was saved.


all in all, we managed to finish it by 8 p.m.

oh, how i love God's sense of humor :)

i

thank you
for reading my random thoughts.

yours truly :)