(morale) below zero

the jewel of IA has resigned.
today being the last day.

sigh?

august rush

you said it'll be in august.

let's see.

"see ya later, mate"

MK flew off today. the house is empty once again.
i think we'll all miss his absolute madness.

and so are you - boys weekend in singapore.

that aside, whatever virus or flu you brought,
has got the entire house down with it too!
*can't afford to get sick, can't afford to get sick*

because there's like 3 million things to do this w/end.
weekends can be.. tiring, i say. down to business now.

todays read:
Dearest Aquarius, health comes up for you today, so be careful and if you can stay out of larger crowds today, do it. It doesn't look serious but there are a lot of bugs out there and a summer bug is a different animal. Today is a good day not to push it; you might go to bed early.

yours:
Do not delay! It will end in knowing embrace. Make a move, and make it fast! She/he is not going to stand for your fickle behavior much longer, and today you have to be clear with your intentions! You can do it!

***
while i need to get well, you can start making up your mind? :)

The Arrivals

*thank you mizi for the link:
http://www.arrivals.technocrazed.com/about-the-arrivals/

caught my attention pretty much there and then.

The Arrivals is a series of short videos that are aimed to show us all the religious signs that prove the foundation of all requirements for the existence of the Anti-Christ, Al Mahdi and the second coming of the Christ. Each episode proves a point.

The series aims at clearing the misconceptions between the Muslims and the west and evaluates the basis of this divide.

as per your request, i'll watch the episodes so that we can discuss mmkay :)


*bruneian bloke from bond. adam's & chaitu's bff + roomie.

mr. i wanna make magic

sang oh so well, i could so lose myself in his eyes for the nth time!

yup. i just got back from FAME finale. eyes can barely open.

1. splendid performance by everyone. claud CAN sing. well, she's vocally trained - so yeah expect to hear the power house! but aiman's acting was better than claud's. and i can see that her singing will improve too over time.

2. you and i.. well, you didn't bail out. whatever that means. but let's just say i trust my guts better :)

3. you know how some people have that face that warrants to be lempang-ed WITHOUT ANY wrongdoing on their part? (or maybe a little but..) i could so do you now. in fact, at any given time. you are so menjengkelkan. yes, i cannot find a more suitable word to describe you.

wishful thinking

2 hours to go and..
im secretly wishing that
you'd take a rain check tonight.
besides, you hate kids & musicals.
so why in god's name again did you wanna come?
that i still can't figure out.

i so so so so so so so so sooooo
don't wanna see you tonight :(

let's see if You hear me out on this.

i don't wanna see or go out with anyone. it feels like im forcing myself for the sake of the people around me. and i think faking smiles are just - bad, for you and i.

how do i tell them all, that i AM o-kay, alone?
fact is, im pretty happy that i CAN be happy, on my own.
w/out depending on others, or - another half.

'i am muslim'

finally, a quiet night to myself. about to start reading this book by dina zaman.

the chapters caught & locked my attention immediately. in fact its something that you'll be drawn to too. especially with her writing style. sempoi. nice.

chap 1: travels in faith
chap 2: sex within islam
chap 3: soul searching
chap 4: portraits

of course there's sub-chaps but am too eager to start reading, so.. shall review the book once done with it okay?

thoughts provoking

#1 - you are too disgusting for my liking. oops sorry, lil miss.

#2 - you are possibly diagnosed with throat cancer. yours truly does not know how to react. and then my cousins and their friends like you. yours truly laaagi does not know how to react. and feels like withdrawing. catch 22 once more.

#3 - you - im seeing tomorrow night. and i suddenly no longer feel like it anymore. i feel... malas. comes to think of it, i always end up feeling like this when im about to meet you. so eventually, it never happens. dont even know why. sorry dvd-boy.


i just wanna sit and dwell in work. and work only. boleh?
need to eliminate human interaction for a while. too much for this week.

i want to be alone. i need to be alone.

there she goes

the god-daughter is back. hmm.

self note: i cross my fingers that we're not paired for the next project. you're so uptight, it's gonna make the already cold storage go beyond freeze. matilah.

bread & butter pudding

we all have unhealthy addictions.
while yours is that, you're my current craving.

god, why do i have butterflies
every time i even think of calling you?
let alone when receiving your call.
with that, i always put off all the intended calls.

and then there's si stalker.
goodness grief, you are EVERY-where. seriously.
like smack-in-the-face kinda every where.
(even if he's not suffocated, i am - just by observing)

but thats alright 'cause yours truly has a new habit
she no longer wants to fight for anyone.
(simply because semua ni buat serabut saja)
so kalau nak, sila lah ambik. aaall yours.
yes, this one too. kalau dpt, gd for you :)

ps: today i've deleted the final remnants of you.

today she reads

the bottom line

A crutch you once relied on is gone. The funny thing is, you don't even miss it.

in detail

Suddenly, your daily routine is going to feel comforting, not boring. This is good news, because it doesn't look as if there will be much variation in the upcoming weeks. The patterns of your life are coming together to form a very interesting picture, and you'll be quite content to live through it. All your questions are going to get answered, and you're going to get a strong confirmation that the recent tough decision you made was the right one.

emotionally incapable

that's what you told me - what your ex told you.
(sambil packing, sambil thinking..)

will be outstation for a bit. leaving tomorrow morning. YAYY!
yours truly is soooo very very very thankful.
rimas okay duduk kat KL ni lama lama.
breathing the same air; it can get pretty suffocating really.

btw, si pemberi-dvd: im scared to find you frequenting my mind again off late.

FAME

was abbbsolutely fabulous!

everyone (and the performer herself) was asking about you. i hope firdus is happy and contented now that you bailed out on this pre-planned function - for the second time that aunt paid for.

at least i know where i stand - that i didn't stop you ever from going out with nabila where ever, when ever, drinking, partying, or what have you - preplanned or not.

ah, i just wonder if some people get a little kick out of being small minded?

butterfly kisses

just got back from the airport.
mum, F & E's gone. i feel empty.

***

saw you and your husband.
didn't like what i saw but oh well.
i think you make a terrific wife.
and you're my mother.
that much, im proud of, mummy.

***

i suddenly miss you. having you. seeing you. your voice.
i don't wanna talk to you but i could hear you on to no end.
yeah, your nonsense blabbering :)
have i told you that you sing really well?
i miss the hot cup of milo that you made me.
yay to next sunday!
i hope we don't end up bailing out on each other :)

surprise, surprise

you're at it again, you sweet sweet sucker. i don't know why and how to react. but at the moment, being nonchalant's my safest bet.

thank you for your countless attempts. all of which i successfully bailed out. okay, blame me for being unreasonably, foolishly loyal.

(all those wasted days and nights when i missed, waited and loved you - who was with her instead. i should've known the night you answered the call outside your room. and the way you looked at me in bed later the same night. i saw it in your eyes but i brushed it aside. the 2 spoons in that ice cream bowl lying on your floor, the red tank top, all those days when you were the only thing on mind when i was abroad, strolling by the shops thinking that "oh X would like this, that, etc" while unknowingly you were spending your minutes with her, and MANY MANY more that i brushed aside. how foolishly stupid i was to have believed all your crocodile tears and love speech)

note to self: listen & trust your guts next time, every-time! i made the biggest mistake by wanting to believe it wasnt true. itulah giving the benefit of the doubt lagi. pfft.

today was toootally uncalled for! you downloaded, compiled, and burned all my favourite shows onto dvds, which you passed through our common friend because quoting you:

"planning to meet you is like planning to meet the pope!"

hahaha im sorry. i'll make it up to you soon.
anyhoo, thank you beribu-ribu kali.
and you've got me listening to your song now.
through the barricades - spandau ballet.

you said, you do things for no reason. so, all these asking outs (and me being completely oblivious that you wanted to bring me to your friends), dvds and songs - are purely out of your boredom. so i, being one who holds dearly to words, will believe so.

oh yes, thank you for the final surprise - for next sunday night.

with love on the back burner, work is my burning desire

yours truly is SO overwhelmingly swamped with work, its crazy!
i could hear the adrenaline screaming in my head "go! go! go!"

but today and tomorrow, i need to compartmentalise - spend time with mama and the boys. we had a good 3 hours today. and hopefully more tomorrow afternoon. i know how we should live the moment and not think about what is to happen later. but i cant help myself, knowing that i will miss them dreadfully come this saturday. and that's gonna hurt - alot. god knows when i'll see them again. this really is hard :(

***

today i introduced lieyana to mum and boys; the opening lines were:

"i have a colleague, her name is lieyena and we've been working in all projects together to date.."

the death stares i got from them - cracked me up big time!

all three went "maji, oh god"

"she's married with a kid!" (i had to burst the bubble)

and they went "thank god!"

hahahaha :) relax people. im comfortably married to my job now. it gives me enough pleasure and satisfaction and doesn't shatter my heart into pieces. what more can i ask for, right?

***

back to the love of my life now.
let's burn the midnite oil.
we have so much to catch up with - of today's and tomorrow's.

before that, maybe i should catch up with the old friend first. he asked me out to lunch today. sorry i had to decline you (for the second time in addition to the weekend's trip to melaka). it was absolute rush from work to home to the family outing.

hellooo, work!

im comfortably swamped with work. and feeling happy about it. seems like yours truly is back in her original gear. especially with new incoming projects, new clients and new partners. i like :)

had a meeting at the partner's office this evening. the place is oh so gorgeousss! i fell in love with the landscape immediately. never knew such a place existed smack in the middle of PJ! slightly secluded, open-green courtyard with fountains, pretty pretty cafes, and a 2-in-1 residential service apartment cum offices. tak rasa macam kat m'sia. and ive already spotted where my possible 'work station' will be - at one of those cafes groundfloor next to the open courtyard facing the fountains :) sweet as! - as the aussies put it.

but otw back from the partner's office today it was raining, for a good 2 hours. i thought of you. but im sure you're well sorted.

that aside, luqman shared this with me today: 9 ways of marrying the wrong person. rather lengthy but its a worthwhile - interesting and informative read.

1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you’re married. The classic mistake: Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can’t be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don’t get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, “You actually can expect people to change after they’re married… for the worst!” So when it comes to the other person’s spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.

2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character. Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the “I’m in love” syndrome. “I’m in love” often means, “I’m in lust”. Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person’s character? Here are four character traits to definitely check for:

Humility: Does this person believe that “doing the right thing” is more important than personal comfort? Do I want to be more like this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?

Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn’t have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give charity?

Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he’s going to do?

Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable? Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?

3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn’t understand what a woman needs most. Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn’t “get it.” Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them. The unique need of a woman is to be loved — to feel that she is the most important person in her husband’s life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention. This is most apparent in Judaism’s approach to sexual intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the sexual needs of his wife. Sexual intimacy is always on the woman’s terms. Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes to this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, “Men have two speeds: on and off.” Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things happen. (i dont think its fair to blame just the MAN)

4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goals and priorities. There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
-chemistry and compatibility
-share common interests
-share common life goal

Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you’re “living for,” while you’re single — and then find ! someone who has come to the same conclusion as you. This is the true definition of a “soul mate.” A soul mate is a goal mate — two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life’s purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.

5. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this person. To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: “Do I respect and admire this person?” This does not mean, “Am I impressed by this person?” We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc. Also ask: “Do I trust this person?” This also means, “Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?”

6. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don’t feel emotionally safe. Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way! Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you’re afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there’s a problem with the relationship. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don’t feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There’s a big difference between controlling” and “making suggestions.” A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.

7. You pick the wrong person because you don’t put everything on the table. Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way. To evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you? Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with! this person. If you can’t be vulnerable, then you can’t be intimate. The two go hand in hand.

8. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness. If you are unhappy and single, you’ll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You’ll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.

9. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle. To be “triangulated” means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn’t separated from his or her parents is the classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their number one priority. And that’s no basis for a marriage. (some people must be stuck in a hexagon then!)

and the grammy goes to

manusia sesungguhnya suka (sangat) berlakon.
all the false pretense, i dont even know for what!

another text from mama. im supposed to attend a huge-ass panjang's family dinner because all the aunties, uncles, cousins and literally everyone has been asking about and for me. and believe me, they are a HUGE BUNCH!

for what? so that i can go. and pretend all is good and dandy? that we are still a happy family? that they are paying for my education and how successful i have become?

and all the questions that i will have to brace. my work, love life, what car am i driving, whose car, whereabouts, house, contact number, office location etcetra, etcetra, etcetra.

another open ended decision for tonight. i dont wanna tell them about me. but i dont know how to tell lies either. as according to panjang, who told them im working in riyadh!

seriously, the grammy goes to?

been to hell and back

im now a ball of fire.

have had enough of nonsense;
wasted my tears and almost lost my mind for nothing.

you were right. so much has happened yet nothing has changed.
youre still the same. and like you, i feel just as sorry for the new girl.

yours truly is outta here.

panjang revisited

okay. take in deeeep breaths.

i just got back from the family lunch. aunt's family, mama's and aunt helped diffuse the awkward moments by inviting unc yo's sister & husband.

i tried to be my civil best. said hello, smiled and even salam!
but he - panjang - had the guts to belai my cheek (stress #1).

then mum dropped the bomb: "join us for family dinner in subang tonite" (stress #2)

she continued: "dont say no. because im only back for a week. and look at all the things that mummy has done for you." (stress #3). her eyes swelled with tears (stress #4).

at the restaurant. they talked about the bangsar apartment and its details (stress #5). added with their lovy dovey scene infront of everyone. yes, add in those kisses (mega stress #6).

keep it all in yours truly. smile and be polite. remember, be civil - i tell myself.

lunch finally ended, we were about to depart. them back to subang. mama reminded me about dinner tonight. about being with my brothers etc. and at the car - sempat lagi tu - she said "come to the house tonight" - in reference to panjang's house (stress #7). and by now i was starting to think to myself, okay when will this ever end?

***

am finally back in my temple now. went straight to the balcony. stood still for a good 2 minutes and brokedown - seven levels of stress, what do you expect right. everyone was in their respective rooms and aunt just let me cry. she understood i need to gain myself composure back before i can make any decent conversation. awhile later, she took me to her room, hugged me and i continued to breakdown.

we talked. and unc yo joined. until i was no longer in tears and have myself intact again. the decision for tonite is still open ended.

and throughout all this, you did come across my mind. if i couldve told you about it. you said i have you with me anywhere i go, but where are you? you said you'll never leave me, but you're in her arms now - the one you claim who is just a friend and not your girlfriend.

enough already. words are overrated. i miss you, i need you, i want you, i love you, please dont leave me and all that crap are absolute bull. ESPECIALLY I LOVE YOU. fuck that!

im taking one step at a time for this week at least and deal with my mum and stepfather. then im leaving the country by month-end. lets look forward to that instead. i foolishly left HK, my centre of contentment, and came back for someone who used me, treated me like sampah and does not value me at all.

add to that, you left me high and dry - literally. just like how you did to NB whom i still think is a nice girl - all these while, to date. and it will happen again to FS, si queen control - who very well deserves it.

morning star

yours truly was on standby last night.
finally got the call, so i boarded the 530am flight.

on the flight, i came across this:

لاَ يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلاَّ وُسْعَهَا
[part of al-baqarah: 286]