panjang revisited

okay. take in deeeep breaths.

i just got back from the family lunch. aunt's family, mama's and aunt helped diffuse the awkward moments by inviting unc yo's sister & husband.

i tried to be my civil best. said hello, smiled and even salam!
but he - panjang - had the guts to belai my cheek (stress #1).

then mum dropped the bomb: "join us for family dinner in subang tonite" (stress #2)

she continued: "dont say no. because im only back for a week. and look at all the things that mummy has done for you." (stress #3). her eyes swelled with tears (stress #4).

at the restaurant. they talked about the bangsar apartment and its details (stress #5). added with their lovy dovey scene infront of everyone. yes, add in those kisses (mega stress #6).

keep it all in yours truly. smile and be polite. remember, be civil - i tell myself.

lunch finally ended, we were about to depart. them back to subang. mama reminded me about dinner tonight. about being with my brothers etc. and at the car - sempat lagi tu - she said "come to the house tonight" - in reference to panjang's house (stress #7). and by now i was starting to think to myself, okay when will this ever end?

***

am finally back in my temple now. went straight to the balcony. stood still for a good 2 minutes and brokedown - seven levels of stress, what do you expect right. everyone was in their respective rooms and aunt just let me cry. she understood i need to gain myself composure back before i can make any decent conversation. awhile later, she took me to her room, hugged me and i continued to breakdown.

we talked. and unc yo joined. until i was no longer in tears and have myself intact again. the decision for tonite is still open ended.

and throughout all this, you did come across my mind. if i couldve told you about it. you said i have you with me anywhere i go, but where are you? you said you'll never leave me, but you're in her arms now - the one you claim who is just a friend and not your girlfriend.

enough already. words are overrated. i miss you, i need you, i want you, i love you, please dont leave me and all that crap are absolute bull. ESPECIALLY I LOVE YOU. fuck that!

im taking one step at a time for this week at least and deal with my mum and stepfather. then im leaving the country by month-end. lets look forward to that instead. i foolishly left HK, my centre of contentment, and came back for someone who used me, treated me like sampah and does not value me at all.

add to that, you left me high and dry - literally. just like how you did to NB whom i still think is a nice girl - all these while, to date. and it will happen again to FS, si queen control - who very well deserves it.