written in the stars

a million miles away
a message to the main
seasons come and go
and im on my way

in all honesty

... is eagerly waiting for this phase to pass.

mum's wise words

"nothing will happen if you dont allow it"

and so it is...

"i remain your watch as you remain mine"

should not

torture my chest like this too often. second attack now. sigh. i dont know what to do. think i run myself up the statistics. i pray for this pain & ordeal to be over real soon.

going offline

am attempting this for the next few days. cold turkey. for observation purposes.

you sweep me off. and that's not cool. i want my feet back on the ground. so lets see, how much of a fighter you claim yourself to be?

1 more day to go.. Pls pls pls be strong!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qF_qbaWt3Q

tease, trouble, tease

not sure which is which, really. trouble teasing me or the other way around. hell, im not even sure which/who is the trouble anymore. too many of them. some very pleasant, mind you :)

anyway, i wonder what thursday will be like. as always, im walking into the unknown.. 11 november, a day to remember... i suppose.

24

reaper's replacement. good/bad?

i may hurt, but i will not break

dinner was a healthy portion of:

lies,
ignorance,
backstabbing,
withheld deserving promotion, and
betrayal

my heart aches with its every beat. but i am still working. as we speak. i am still delivering. because this is my akad. my fardhu kifayah. and apparently now.. also a fardhu ain. i guess you'll never understand.

funny how you're going for your haj nx month. and this is the dinner you served me with.

thank you, nevertheless. may allah bless your soul.

funny how..

that very one person who once would reach the stars for you is the very same one who could make this universe feels like a vacuum.

encik, you puzzle me good.

please grant me all the strength i need

random rants

boredom might stimulate your rebellious streak, aquarius // i pray she proves me wrong.

pray, pray, pray

3rd meeting with the tigers this friday

the roundtable

more updates AFTER the aftermath!

brainwave!

IEP RFP

projects are...

behavioural learning experiences.

that thud in your heart. what do you do with it?

acknowledge and resolve it, or brush it past?

here's me thinking out loud:

this entire project is worrying me sick. tried and still trying to find some relevance in all that we're doing. but the deeper i get into it, the more faults i find. you see, we have a partner who tries to rip off the client. and the client (for all intense and purposes, being locals) will never realise what the whites are doing to them. and this is the umpteenth juncture i find myself battling with where this project is heading to.

something is seriously wrong. i can put my finger on it. but am uncertain if i should raise this and to whom. have done before but not sure if its of any help (to anyone), sigh all these money making people.

but this is going deeper into shit creek and im extremely concern. have brainstormed with all levels of people... but only You can tell me how to move forward with this. i trust no one else, so please speak to me.

and that's me giving my body, mind, heart and soul for my clients.

it not just rockstar's future im concern about, it's the immediate 500 people im more worried of.

you had me at hello

and its that same old hello.. oh dear me!

mr fabulous has got us going bonkers

you may need the nebulizer pretty soon at the pace that youre going. god i wish you'd just stay put in your country.

second puasa in the good old menara. life's funny like that.

november

let's see what you have to offer. till then, me shall be good and quiet.

just got back from IJN, dropped you off for your night shift. but im horribly wide awake now. first night in 6 months, alone.. looking forward to waking up to the sound of you walking in tmr morning :)

here we go again

got pulled back in by the tigers.
like as if the ports arent killing me already.
yours truly is back to being caged in for another coupla months.
and ever since the newsbreak, ive been rather distracted.
not looking fwd to reminding me of us.

saw you today.
carpark. lobby.
i was invisible to you.

funny how the days of ungodly hours conversations have gone by like it never existed.

and that is how he's better off than you

because you don't know what he knows.
because you can only plan,
and he'll prove you wrong
because you cry to his mercy,
and he gives you a life full of mistery.

dearest,
please shed me some light here.
for the nur in my name is missing.

silaturrahim

and how ppl often forget
of the sins in cutting ties
with another.

listen to your heart

it tells you everything you need to know.
it is the closest thing to your soul.

BBQ with yazid's

"appreciate everything. but attach yourself to nothing" (IY)

they were a beautiful family indeed.

solitare

1001 things on my mind.

the current house. headache.
the future house. mega headache.
the bills.
the office.
the job.
the car. oh dear lord the car.
the family.
your family.

figuring how to provide for myself. and for you. and how to sustain all this provision. is probably the ultimate headache now.

feeling solemn. not really sure why until i was chatting with zai and figured that out as we went. i think its because of the house hunting. again. or maybe all of the above.

thoughts provoking

we are hurt.
only because.
we allow ourselves to.

i was told so.
is that true?

how do you allow yourself to get hurt?

undone

stitches removed. thank goddd. alhamdulillah :)
wound still sore but better jaw movement.

i hv this "i miss you" and "i really, really care for you" feeling. not sure to whom though. there r many yous.

last night, we exchanged a little thought. it felt nice. civil, almost. albeit only a brief moment. it was on diving :)

the MOS

was traumatic enough.
going without painkillers was another drama.
but the antibiotics were the ones that nearly killed me.

less wise now with 2 wisdom tooth gone.
dread for the next ordeal to remove lefties.

oooooouuuuchh!

hanging by a moment

maybe we can analyse this better when its being penned down? so let's begin..

the project has been an absolute love-hate affair since day 1. sometimes one outdo the other. but we've kept convincing each other (us and the project, yeah it's pretty much a relationship) that it'll work. we had to believe in it, to make it work. nevertheless, we've been working our rears off! deliverables and deadlines, mounting on each other.

recent monday 8th feb was a complete turnaround. received news to put everything on hold til further notice which would be on tues 6pm!

its like your other half telling you that he/she needs time off and will let you know where the relationship is heading in 24 hrs time.

come tues 6pm, the meeting was called off at the 11th hour leaving everyone in utter shock! sleepless night #2, so we had to wait til wed 9am. oh dear lord.

come wed 9am, we were told that project has been called off. but then by the evening, we were informed that project is still under consideration. speak of being fickle?

thurs, we're told to present as to why the project needs to go on. but hello?? wheres the justification to US that the project is called off in the first place?? but okay, we did so anyway. verdict to know on thurs night.

thurs nite: "theres no light at the end of this tunnel". they said that its deferred indefinitely, on paper. but told us to assume that its off anyway, off the records, refusing to have it in b/w. wtf is that suppose to mean? you then told me that "i feel like i've just been dumped without rhyme or reason". and so i went home broken hearted and slept it off. it was more than the project.. its the possibility of never seeing you again.

friday morning, STILL in crisis mode, first thing in the morning was called to join the crisis team to respond to the higher orders in official writing to convince the completion of at least phase 1 of the project. did so and the team is now presenting the letter.

verdict.. after CNY?

really, its like a relationship at the verge of going off. one party is trying to call it off without the guts to actually call it off and tell it to the other party. while the other is trying life and death to reconcile, and justify why the relationship should go on. till then we have approx good 4-5 days.. time off from each other to think and make (hopefully) sound decision.

now, remind me again why should i not love my job :)

26th

and all i wanted was to see you..
to talk it out with you..
to be able to be friends with you..

i guess all that,
is too much to ask..
for a birthday request.

reality CHECK

surprise surprise.
sat next to me.

but cold.
and you were freakin out like fuck! HAHAHAHAHAH

ken turns 26!

on 12th jan - happy birthday big guy!

glad i decided to trot along.
ended up a good night.
loved the bunch.
and the new fresh faces.
and how the night ended with you :)

im counting days
3 more to go before a long, long hiatus
i dont know when i'll be able to see you again..

yours says to make up your mind.
her's says she's lost it.
mine says to just drop it all. hahaha typical.

laughing to myself

the thoughts i have at times. i even made myself ran the streets at 9pm in the dark, til i almost fell off thanks to the enzymes pumping in all wrong directions. and the mocha i had just before running i guess.

only to hv you text me later :)

radja; raw

dont know where to begin.
yest - friday. maybe the reason why.

we both got to our senses.
you're trying to break it off.
the long drive home.
with the break up songs.
grey and pouring.
the perfect setting.

your stars hv been 150% accurately true too to date.
all aligned with your actions, perhaps vice versa.

this is for the best, i keep telling my wounded heart..

room service?

welcoming w open arms.
choice of meal?
meaty or, i could just skip to dessert :)
would i be too sweet for you?
i'l have to taste to know?
your place?
time?

an hour later - you really came. and i thank my lucky stars for hvg my gals all at my place that nite, or it wouldve ended up bad. what the hell were you thinking?? and i, not for a split second thought you were for real!

you hv no idea dont you.
no bloody idea how much im holding myself back from you..

:(

and tonight we hung out with more of your boys. i love them. but ofcourse you thought that my girls gave you death stares. hahaha. HELLO seriously! we managed to talk a little, before you placed your soft lips on my cheeks. but all in all, you said that you meant everything you said. and im left dumbfounded - not knowing what to do with you.

from what i gathered, you love them to bits. and have been doing the running around. while the other half's nowhere to be seen in the picture.

this whole episode saddens me. really.

the walking contradiction

we hung out last night.
and that made my day :)
after the looong trip being away from 'home'.

this infatuation is unhealthy,
you know it too.
i now want you physically as well. SIGH.

the goodnight bid has got me yearning for more.
and i just had to tell you that i miss you.
to at least have that off my chest if nothing else.
and you spontaneously reacted just rightly.

im so baffled with your actions,
confused with myself too now.
i want you but i dont.

another taboo love in the making.
i give up rationalising.

good deeds

requires a lot of effort to pull it through.
doesn't it just get tiring after all?

its so easy to just screw it all up in a jiffy.
but the thought of even doing good,
can drain you 360 already.

i wonder,
does it not tire you, after awhile?